Whoops
by TyrantChimera
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS. Everything is going to plan. Dickson had already delivered the news to the Homs about the ancient ruins, and they, and the destined child, will be here any moment... There! ...Oh no. This was NOT happening! The great Lord Zanza, god of life and soul of the Bionis, had made a terrible mistake. First person-ish? OoC-ness, gender bend... sorta?
1. The Big Mistake

Everything was going according to plan. Ever since he'd had his visions of a future where he would be freed, Zanza had planned for this day. He'd had visions of a young vessel with bright blue eyes and golden hair that would be delivered to him alongside a sacrifice of lives, whose ether he would take to supplement his own.

Dickson had done his job admirably, spreading the rumours of the mechon-destroying sword around to those Homs who would act upon it most readily. Even now he could feel them approaching.

Even as a soul contained within the husk of the Monado, he could feel when they cracked open the doors, a freezing blast of air running through his tomb. He smiled internally. The moment the unfortunate explorers set eyes upon him, and _oh_ there was that beautiful little child, he took their lives as his own.

Smug in his victory, he descended into the prone form below his altar, dead eyes still wide open in curiosity.

And that was when he realized his mistake.

" _ **DICKSSSSOOOOOOONN!**_ "

He called desperately for the disciple, aghast at his discovery. Oh no. This was NOT happening! _No!_

Although it was planned that Dickson would arrive a day later to retrieve the child, he responded to his master's desperate call. The chain-smoking man was at his side within the hour, huffing and cursing at the snow.

"No!" he growled upon entering the tomb. No doubt he was offended that the worthless Homs had left their putrid bodies behind to rot and sully his master's home. Zanza paid it no heed.

"Dickson! What is the meaning of this!?" He howled, his voice echoing omnipotently from around the room. He dared not speak from the child's mouth, the body still recovering from its ordeal.

"The meaning of what, Lord Zanza?" his disciple faithfully inquired, even if his tone was a little cautious.

"Did you not research the family you sent to me beforehand!?" Zanza shrieked. Disckon actually blinked in shock, decidedly unused to seeing Zanza act so out of character.

"Yes, Lord Zanza. I found a group of researchers who could keep their mouths shut, and they said they had a kid at home that they'd occasionally bring along. They fit your bill, just like you said! So what's the matter?" he asked.

Zanza forcibly, if temporarily, took control of the body to show Dickson _exactly_ why everything had gone wrong.

"It's a girl, Dickson!" he squeaked with her voice.

This should not have been a big of an issue as it was. But blast it, he couldn't help it. He was too shocked by this revelation to act properly, and _oh Bionis_ Meyneth was going to make a laughingstock out of him. His emotions roiled, as did his powers. He was actually a she! But Zanza identified as a he! This was not supposed to happen!

Dickson's sudden laughter was _not_ helping matters.

The spirit of the little girl he'd just taken over seemed to come to its senses, no doubt due to the excess ether he was putting off in his frustration. That put yet another wrench in the works, because she was _not_ supposed to be aware of his presence. It only got worse when, instead of freaking out about her surroundings (she was too young to understand death it seemed, because he got the distinct impression of 'mummy and daddy are sleeping so I gotta shush') and, upon realizing that another being was now sharing her body, did not in fact scream and beg.

Instead, she gave him the mental equivalent of a squishy cutesie hug. Was mister cranky-voice okay?

"Dickson _she is talking to me_!"

Dickson kept laughing.

" _This is all your fault why didn't you check_!?" Alright, he knew that should have really been his job, but it wasn't his fault she'd been dressed to the nines in a snowsuit in his vision!

The mental cuddle he was getting just got stronger. Shulk was wondering if she did something bad (what an odd name for a girl, maybe he wasn't the only one who'd mistaken her gender), and gods damn that amount of cute and innocent coming off of her was making him sick.

Zanza screamed.

The world was silent.

Dickson fell over with a thunk, face practically blue as his frame shook with breathless mirth. He was laughing so hard it hurt, yet he couldn't get enough air to make any noise.

Shulk hugged him some more.

Zanza gave up.


	2. And it continues (bonus content)

**Bonus 1**

It turned out not be nearly as bad as he'd thought it would be.

Shulk was a bookworm and shy, that much was true, but thankfully Dickson, as he raised them, did not expose them to the more girly side of what was considered the proper way to raise children. On top of that, Shulk had a very boyish face. As a result, with the right clothes and an incredibly tomboyish attitude, Shulk was more often than not mistaken for a boy and no one was in a hurry to fix that.

Unfortunately, thanks to his little screaming match (he really should have been better than that, but even he could be startled sometimes), the girl was fully aware of him. She talked and chatted to him no matter how many times Dickson tried to get her to stop, and in the end she became famous around the colony for being the odd little child who believed a little too much in their imaginary friend. Thankfully, they'd at least managed to get her to shush up about Zanza's actual name.

For a while things were workable. Dickson did what he could to keep up the pretense of having adopted Shulk, but he was a wandering spirit and there were far too many things Zanza needed him to do anyways. She was old enough to take care of her own essentials so long as Dickson left them enough money, and Zanza ended up advising her on life's little intricacies far more than he should have while their grizzled caretaker was out and about. Most of the time the deity simply told her to keep her head down and wait things out. Her angry mutterings to herself in response to any problems arising brought her more than a few suspicious looks.

Everything was well and fine, Shulk perfectly content to stay a little loner just as Zanza wanted, but then an incident with a brash, red-haired brute of a boy nixed that. Long story short Shulk thought the brat an idiot, he thought her a weak little booknerd, and the moment he found out about her gender he said something rather rude. All things considered, Zanza probably shouldn't have been so proud when Shulk turned around and socked one him in the jaw. The redhead spluttered something about not hitting girls, she hit him again (as well as hissing out a few choice words she'd heard from Dickson; Zanza was _definitely_ going to have to talk to the man about that later), and had Zanza not been shaking his head at the antics he would probably had broken down laughing at the resulting brawl. That was one feisty little jab she had!

And oh dear, he was getting attached. Not a good thing.

Dickson and another young man, Dunban, had to eventually break them apart. That should have been the end of it really, but apparently the redhead wasn't finished with them yet. After that little incident he'd follow them on their adventures every other day. He was silent for the first little while, but after helping her scare off a bunnit at one point, Reyn, as his name turned out to be, quickly became Shulk's best friend outside of her head. It wasn't long after that the younger sister of Dunban, Fiora, decided to also tag along.

That, quite frankly, was the end of Zanza and Shulk's peaceful little life and upbringing, no matter how many times Zanza tried to convince his host otherwise.

Or maybe his host was trying to convince herself. They'd never really gotten that intricacy sorted out...

* * *

 **Bonus 2**

The big reveal in the mechonis core did not go at all as he'd hoped. In retrospect he really should have been used to unexpected occurrences by now.

Meyneth, the moment she'd laid eyes on him, started laughing so hard she'd keeled over.

Despite it all, despite the fact that he'd sacrificed Shulk (okay so maybe he'd only made her unconscious and hidden her spirit in the memory space, but no one needed to know that) and taken over her body, Meyneth was laughing. He might have asked had asked why, but it was all too clear if one knew their history.

She had always described him as a drama queen. Now, it was just a bit more literal. And so, Zanza responded in the most appropriate manner possible for an omnipotent being.

He threw a colossal bitch-fit.

The poor residents of Bionis never viewed their home the same way again.


End file.
